Writings by Jackie

GRIEF AND LOSS
SUPPORT FOR GRIEVING AND BEREAVEMENT

Literature on the subject will talk about one’s emotions after a loss. In working with many human companions of animals, I think the process starts when one first recognizes signs of their pet aging.

Grief is said to be a natural response to loss. The day comes when a pet’s human companion looks at their pet and knows growing older means moving towards their time of passing, and thus, their eventual loss.

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience, which is why someone trying to offer support should try to stay away from saying, “I know how you feel.” Rather, ask the person how they are feeling.

Feelings and reactions to the idea of loss are affected by many factors including one’s own belief system, religious, culture, personal experiences, personality and coping style, nature of the loss, sometimes even a reluctance to face your own mortality. There may be differences in how one defines quality of life. The circumstances surrounding the loss of a pet, makes a huge difference:

• Did the pet owner have time to say good-bye to their pet?
• Did the animal experience a natural death?
• Was the decline a slow process or did the animal die suddenly?
• Was the pet owner able to come to terms with the pet’s passing?
• Did the pet owner like and trust their vet?
• How many people were affected by the illness and death of a pet, especially children?

Attempting to be supportive to the grieving process of another person requires that we take the time to understand where that person is “coming from” with regards to their pet and issues of death and dying. For example:

• It is God’s will; veterinary care will only get in the way
• I’m a vegetarian and love it – so does my cat (cat’s are carnivores)
• The vets just want to kill animals
• How do we know what the animal wants?
• I just want my pet to die peacefully
• I know how to take care of my dying pet, because I know him/her better than anyone else
• I’m against euthanasia

Healing from loss happens gradually and can’t be forced or hurried. Therefore, statements like, “you can always adopt another dog” are not helpful. Statements like, “you may come to the point where you feel that you are ready to share your life with another companion in time” probably is more helpful.

Many people think they know what death looks like, but they don’t. They may have a “romantic” view of death as something quiet and peaceful, rather than the actual physical manifestations that in reality, they very likely would observe if they watched their pet die a “natural” death. I ask people if they have ever seen anything living “pass away”. The answer is often, “No”. Our culture sanitizes death and contributes to the problem.

The Five Stages of Grief  - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross 

Please note:

• Not everyone goes through all of these stages
• Not everyone experiences these stages in the same order

Denial

• He’s not aging; he’s just having a bad day.
• She’s not getting older (because that would mean that I am getting older)
• He’ll be fine, he just has a little gas
• Wellness exams for seniors – why do those vets always make such a big deal about nothing! They only want to earn more money!

Anger

• If the vet knew anything at all, my dog would be better
• It’s all the vet’s fault
• I took my cat to the vet and she got worse, because he/she made her worse
• Self-anger – Was there something else I could have done?
• Why did God let this happen, after I prayed so hard
• (To the animal) Why did you leave me?

Bargaining

• God, if you keep ___ alive, I will (or won’t) _______

Depression

Acceptance

Symptoms of Grief

• Shock and disbelief – It’s hard to accept what happened
• Sadness - loneliness
• Guilt – was there something that I could have done differently, I “should have”…
• Anger – the need to blame someone; ourselves, others, the vets
• Fear – about your own mortality, life without your pet, fear of being alone
• Physical symptoms – fatigue, weight loss or gain, aches and pains, insomnia (grief often seems to be worse at night or when we are alone), yearning, confusion

Healing

People help people heal after a loss. Animals serve as human companions, and by their nature, offer support to the grief-stricken. Remember, that it is important that a human does not look for their animal, which has passed away, in another animal. Each animal is an individual.

Find out, often by listening rather than asking, where someone turns for support:

• Friends
• Family
• A faith community
• Support groups
• Therapist or grief counselor 

Individuals who mourn their pets may feel that they are different or embarrassed because they are in intense mourning for an animal and not a person. Feelings are feelings and need to be validated as being OK.

Be sure that the person who experiences a loss takes care of themselves – dealing with their feelings, expressing their feelings in a tangible way, such as writing a poem, a Good-bye letter, planning a memorial service, planting flowers, making a scrapbook of pictures and memorabilia, etc. Taking care of them; expressing their feelings of loss.

When the aging process becomes clear, the pet owner needs clear information with which to make immediate and future decisions.

The pet owner needs to be encouraged to ask as many questions as possible.

Children and the Loss of a Pet.

No two children respond in the same way to the death of a loved one, including a pet. Children may seem to show grief only occasionally and briefly, but the overall process may take longer. They may not show their feelings openly, but exhibit new behaviors. 

Some questions that children may ask include:

• Did I cause my pet’s death to happen?
• Is it going to happen to me?
• Who is going to take care of me?

You can help children cope with grief by being open and honest, taking extra time to discuss the passing, using clear, simple language and accurate words, provide reassurance, and incorporate the child into the planning of memorial services or other plans to celebrate their pet’s life.

In addition you can;

• Explain your own cultural and spiritual beliefs about death in simple terms
• Keep a normal routine for the child.
• Recognize that children grieve differently than adults and should not be punished because adults do not understand their reactions
• Make sure the child does not feel at fault.
• Help the child talk about their fears and anxieties
• Share books and videos with the child

References:

www.spiritsintransition.org – Dr. Ella Bittel, member of the Board of the International Association for Animal Hospice and Palliative Care

Healing After the Loss of Your Pet by Linda R. Harper. www.bestfriends.org

Pet Loss Websites – www.bestfriends.org